


===>[SS]: Ruin Detective's Life

by Ealasaid, lucky_spike, Rexila



Category: Homestuck, Problem Sleuth (Webcomic)
Genre: AU, Gen, Improv, M/M, Mobsterswap, Mobsterswitch
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-11-16
Updated: 2011-11-16
Packaged: 2017-10-26 03:45:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/278309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ealasaid/pseuds/Ealasaid, https://archiveofourown.org/users/lucky_spike/pseuds/lucky_spike, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rexila/pseuds/Rexila
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Seriously, what choices did you make to end up here: pantsless on the floor of Scout's shithole apartment, with a vomit-stained jacket, a headache, and Scout yelling at you about how you're friends and how it would be really weird for you to have sex?</p>
            </blockquote>





	===>[SS]: Ruin Detective's Life

**Author's Note:**

> Serious crack, y'all. Written with audience participation, hence the list of authors. Commands were inputted and I wrote around them, so read at your own peril!

===> SNOOPING SCOUT: RUIN DEAD-EYE DETECTIVE’S LIFE

Your name is SNOOPING SCOUT and man are you drunk. You are so drunk, in fact, that you are closing your good eye to try to focus on everything you’re looking at but whoops that isn’t working because that is your only good eye and in effect you are blinding yourself because now you can’t see. It rather looks like you’re trying to take a nap.

This is not a good idea, though, because you’re in a bar in the worst part of the city. You tend to moulder in the worst parts of the city because ha ha that’s your job and while getting drunk isn’t part of your job, you do it anyway because who talks to a guy who isn’t drinking at a bar? Besides, you have an excellent memory. When you remember you have an excellent memory. So anything people tell you stays there or it doesn’t, depending.

===> [SS] Become homoerotically interested in your fan.

What the fuck is homoerotic? You eye the fan from your position at the bar, or you would if you hadn’t closed it to focus better. Whoops. You’re pretty sure it’s just whizzing around in a circle like it always does. Forever locked in a cycle of whirring fan blades and the occasional massacred fly. Perpetually entombed in dust that no one ever cleans from the suffocated slats of wood.

You need to stop thinking about this. You might have an intelligence aneurysm.

===> [SS] Be the annoyed bartender.

Who is SS? You’re Buxom Barmaid, a throwaway OC for the purpose of stupidity. You’re trying to wipe down the counters but there is some stupid barfly who is practically expiring from alcohol poisoning slumped at the end and it is driving your finely-tuned OCD senses into twitchy madness. You’d love to throw him out but he comes back every so often and growls and stabs things and you’d really rather not approach him.

In fact, you’d really rather not be Buxom Barmaid anymore, either. She’s boring.

===> [BB] Call someone to pick up the stupid barfly.

Your perspective switch was blocked by the barfly himself! He mumbled something into the bar and stabbed his glass with his knife and then yelled for the phone. You didn’t want to give him the phone, so you dialed the number he screamed at you for five minutes while the rest of the bar cowered and talked to someone who sounded about as irritated as a vicious honey badger. Not that you know what honey badgers are, but still.

In about twenty minutes, wherein you angrily glare at the drunken Prospitan through OCD-induced hysteria, a man in a suit walks in the door.

===> [DD] Get Scout out of the bar before he earns assault charges... again.

Your name is DEAD-EYE DETECTIVE and you are here to pick up your employee/colleague/sort of bro thing person thing from some shitty bar before he finds himself facing assault charges again. Sometimes you wonder how he manages to avoid extended litigation, but the last time you wondered that you uncovered evidence that foul play on the part of Scout may or may not have existed.

===> [SS] nooooo fuck this guy he can’t make you go anywhere i mean yeah you called him but that was for business not for helping me avoid fighting people fuck fighting sounds like fun where’s your knife

===> [DD] Auto-block your idiot’s attempt to start a fight.

There will be no Ernest Hemingway impressions in this bar. You take his knife and then take the time to pat him down and deprive him of every other sharp object Scout’s got on his person.

Scout objects to this strenuously and refuses to leave unless you give him his stabs back.

===> [DD] Hold the knife overhead where Scout can’t reach it and tempt him to walk out the door.

This is like that old adage with horses and carrots. Personally, you wish you had a stick to make it more realistic.

===> [SS] Stand on a stool WHAT NOW DETECTIVE oh wait why is this wobbling

You attempt to use your (+15!) added height bonus by utilizing the stool in an effort to get your knife back. Instead, the stool wobbles and then maybe there’s an earthquake or something and you fall over onto the Detective. The two of you hit the floor.

Detective is very angry that his suit is now soaked in spilled alcohol and particles of food. That’s okay though because you and your knife are reunited! It was cruelly thrown to skitter across the floor but you caught it and tenderly cradled it against your cheek shooshing it from it’s sobbing dejection into hiccupping happiness.

===> [DD] Oh GPI, he’s talking to his knife.

What the fuck, Scout. Scout you idiot what are you doing. Are you the knife whisperer? Do you talk to the ghosts of the people you’ve slain? Wait no, you don’t want to know. This is just ridiculous. People are looking at you both like you’re nuts, you’re not going to be able to show your face around here for a while.

You really need to get him out of here. Maybe you can throw a bag over Scout’s head and he’ll allow himself to be led quietly out of the bar like a horse.

===> [DD] Bodily drag Scout out of the bar, it’s not like he has good aim when he’s so drunk he’s being the knife-whisperer.

You begin to drag Scout out of the bar. You haul him bodily off the floor by his jacket collar and practically sling him over your shoulder and pray you don’t get stabbed at or puked on. You make it out the door and into the street while Scout yells incoherently and wriggles floppily in your grasp.

===> [SS] i swear to cod god dod wog dog blog blaragur dd if you don’t put me down i am going to do horrible things to you

You slur all this out. You were never taught to enunciate clearly when you were little and being drunk does not help at all. In another situation, this would be an amusing anecdote. Right now, though, you just really want something to eat.

...or actually you don’t, your stomach is feeling kind of funny. Maybe you should tell Detective to stop before--

===> [DD] Have your worst fears realized.

Goddamnit.

You manage to get Scout all the way back to his apartment, ~~plotting Scout’s murder~~ handling the fact that your suit jacket is now covered in vomit in a mature and responsible way, i.e. not plotting Scout’s murder. Once there you pat Scout down again for his keys and have to suffer the indignity of an angry Scout (“Stop feelin’ me UPPPPPP” *cough cough hack slump-against-the-door*) trying to construct viable threats to your person while attempting to shove you in a massively uncoordinated way.

===> [SS] Talk about your life problems to DD, he’s here anyway.

While you’re slumped against the door, you realize that you need to have a feelingsjam with your best bro Detective. You haven’t done this in a long time, mostly because the last time you two talked about things of a deeply personal nature you weren’t spending time being the on-and-off bootycall for the city’s most dangerous mobster, but now you are pretty sure that while you won’t talk about that there are definitely things you can talk to him about like the last time you really wanted a puppy and went to the pet store and agonized over the adorable litter of Aberdeen terriers they had but overruled yourself because you knew it would be a bad idea but _you wanted one so bad_ and there were tears and oh fuck what is the water on your face why is it there and whoa why is the Detective patting you on the back while you hug him and bawl when did this become a thing

===> [DD] Reluctantly comfort your “bro” and tell him the puppy thing turned out for the best. Everyone leaves eventually anyway.

This is very awkward due to the fact you are still thinking of ways to make Scout disappear for his desecration of your suit, but you manage anyway. You never would have thought it, but Scout is sobbing brokenly over a dog he’s never had. This strikes you as incredibly pitiable.

Now that you’re pitying him, it’s much easier to comfort your idiotic friend. You shoosh him much like he shooshed his knife back at the bar, but this time it makes sense because he’s an actual person and not an inanimate long sharpened piece of metal made for stabby actions.

You are still outside of Scout’s apartment. Maybe you should get him inside and cleaned up.

===> [SS] Disagree with this.

What is Detective thinking? Honestly, he should know better than to go inside silly old apartments for feelingsjams. Hallways have a much better atmosphere for this sort of thing. You need to preserve the mood.

“DD,” you say, “DD your name sounds like a girl’s name from an old cartoon show. DD what are you thinking we can’t go into the apartment for a feelingsjam apartments are like alleyways and are only good for sketchy black-market dealings and hot wild monkey sex and we’re not doing either one of those why would you even suggest something like this UNLESS--

“DD,” and you grab his face and lean in until your noses are mere millimeters apart. “DD.”

“What?”

You lean forward the last few millimeters. “ _I thought we were only moirails what are you doing._ ”

===> [DD] Punch your moirail-- whatever the FUCK that is-- in the face and fireman carry him to his apartment because FUCK THIS, MAN, FUCK THIS, YOU ARE HIS BOSS AND DON'T GET PAID TO PUT UP WITH THIS SHIT.

You proceed to do this. While Scout stares at the blood on his hand that materialized from his nose, you duck down and sweep him literally off his feet a la fireman style. Scout starts yelling at some point, but he’s got a broken nose so he now sounds really funny in addition to the drunken slur of before.

The apartment is shitty. It’s not a very well kept up place and Scout certainly hasn’t done anything to improve it, but the stack of boxes overflowing the closet is certainly new. They all have Scofflaw’s insignia on it, which is pretty interesting, but you can look at them later after you throw Scout in bed with a trashcan to throw up in. If he throws up any more, that is.

===> [DD] Throw Scout in bed and go apeshit bananas over the stuff in his closet.

The first part sounds nice, so you do that. You strip Scout’s clothes off while he yells about only being moirails fuck matesprits moirails moirails moirails while you wonder what the hell he’s going on about. Once you’ve got him down to his boxers you leave him with a frying pan because it doesn’t look like he has a trash can or even a cooking pot. Sometimes you wonder how he’s survived this long.

You prepare to go apeshit bananas, b-a-n-a-n-a-s, on the suspicious parcels in Scout’s closet because a few times you’ve been around that track and you fucking well know something’s up. This involves stripping off your now-ruined suit jacket (Scout owes you so much, GPI) and standing in mussed pants, suspenders, tie, and undershirt, the picture of a sexy, sexy man.

You look at the pile of boxes. Where to begin?

===> [DD] Be the obvious package expert.

Your name is CHEERFUL DEMOMAN and you are THE foremost expert in packages.

You are also currently asleep on your couch.

===> [SS] Pretend to be the awake version of CD.

You wriggle out of your sheets. You are still incredibly drunk, but you have a high enough ESCAPITUDE meter that you can finagle your way out of virtually all situations in which you are tied up, cornered, kidnapped, or anything else that might hinder your right to free speech and free movement and religion and some other things too that you can’t really remember. Really all that matters is that even though Detective pretty firmly rolled you in your bed linens and tied the free ends to the bedposts, you still have your knife and you just cut through it all so that you can turn into the idiotic midget of the Meddlesome Company.

This entails you busting out of your room and tackling Detective just as he reaches for the first box.

“LEAVE MY PACKAGE ALONE!” you roar in a very silly double entendre.

===> [SS] Inform DD, as CD, that he reeeeally shouldn’t do that! Any of those boxes could be dangerous!

“DD NO DON’T DO THAT NO WHAT ARE YOU DOING THESE PACKAGES THEY’RE DANGERS I MEAN DANGEROUS I MEAN YEAH DANGEROUS AND THEY COULD GO BOOM OR SOMETHING NO DD NO I LOVE YOU IN A TOTALLY PLATONIC AND MOIRAIL-APPROPRIATE WAY NO”

“ _SCOUT. WHAT ARE YOU DOING.”_

===> [DD] Gain a new level!

Your PUGNACIOUSNESS ATTRIBUTE has gone from ANIME-STYLE PULSING VEIN to LIZZY BORDEN AX MURDER.

===> [SS] Continue to be oblivious to the fact that your boss is probably going to murder you and keep yelling at him because he cannot under any circumstances find out about Scofflaw. Nope.

“I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU DON’T TRUST ME DETECTIVE WHY WOULD YOU SNOOP THROUGH MY STUFF LIKE THIS GPI I’M SNOOPING SCOUT NOT YOU STOP IT. STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT. THOSE PACKAGES ARE MINE. ALL OF THEM. THEY ARE MINE AND YOU CAN’T LOOK THROUGH THEM, NOPE NOPE NOPE NOT HAPPENING NOPE NO GO HOME DD GO HOME NOTHING TO SEE HERE NOPE.”

It’s at this point that the Detective gets you in a headlock and easily wrestles you to the floor, though you kick and scream the whole way. He hogties you with his tie and once again starts for the pile of stuff Scofflaw’s been sending you.

===> [DD] Casually wonder if they really are dangerous boxes and Scout is being threatened. They DO have Peccant Scofflaw's insignia on them.

The suspicious packages are suspicious, you decide, pondering the dark wrapping and purple insignias. But they don’t look too dangerous, considering each one has already obviously been opened. Probably by Scout, since they’re in his house and he’s babbling something about them being his. Your PUGNACIOUS ATTRIBUTE still hovers critically high, but it’s starting to be mitigated by your analytical examination and no small amount of curiosity. What could Scofflaw be sending Scout? Is it related to those rumors you’ve been hearing?

You pull the first one forward and open it.

===> [SS] Engage in a 2X FEELINGSJAM COMBO for the night and tell him everything, because he's going to figure it out anyway.

It all spills out. Scofflaw harassing you, Scofflaw tricking you, Scofflaw kissing you (and the variety of places), Scofflaw being a dick, and so on and so forth.

Detective looks at you skeptically which turns to growing horror until his face goes blank and he could put on a pair of sunglasses and wipe out your life savings in a game of poker. You are so going to regret this in the morning. If you remember.

Once you complete your babbling spiel, he frees you of his tie (with a bit of relief, you think) and makes you sit on the couch while he goes through all the shit Scofflaw’s sent you.

===> [DD] Interrogate Scout while he's drunk and vulnerable.

You begin to ask Scout questions, but he’s decided that he’s said too much and now he’s panicking, so they all end up like this:

“Why has he been sending you this stuff?”

“FUCK YOU DD I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY FRIEND”

It’s at a draw. What can you do to get him to loosen up? You could speculate without further information, but it really would be nice to get some answers in a logical and cohesive manner, rather than the long and rambling verbiage vomit from earlier.

===> [DD] Spike you pulchritude and convince Scout that you are his best friend, not just his boss, and he can tell you anything. Like the puppy thing.

It’s time to up the ante. You’ve got to get Scout to loosen up and tell you the details. You pull out your most dangerous ploy yet. You are going to boost your pulchritude and convince Scout you are his moirail, whatever that is, so that he will tell you his secrets.

You smile at him.

===> [DD] Reconsider.

From the look on Scout’s face, it might be better to stop the smile in it’s tracks. You might end the universe and get a GAME OVER.

Unbeknownst to you, you have already killed five puppies and a kitten with your momentary attempt to be charming in a harmless-seeming way.

You’re back where you started.

===> [DD] Go through the packages and look for any notes that might give you clues.

You decide Scout’s not going to say anything useful, and there isn’t any way you can work it out of him without endangering the world, so you turn your attention back to the boxes. You pick up the one you were going to go through before and start with that one.

It’s a box of really nice sheets. 1200 thread count, Egyptian Cotton. Black. A set like these would cost at least a month’s pay for Scout if he got them himself. There isn’t any note, just the insignia.

The rest of the packages are more or less the same-- stuff, no note. There are some nice suits that are sized perfectly for your diminutive spy, at least one excellently made hat, and a variety of other nice things like some expensive cigarettes and some bottles of top-notch scotch.

All of it is untouched, except for signs of the boxes having been opened. All of the gifts are either really handy, really helpful, or else something that would appeal to Scout’s tastes, as few as they were.

===> [DD] Call your boyfriend and ask if Scout’s on the take or just fucking a mobster.

Now you’re in the kitchen while Scout is curled up on the couch, holding his head and looking like he’s going to be sick. You toss another frying pan at him just in case.

The phone is shitty just like the rest of the room, but you can at least hear clearly. A stuttered “H-h-hello?” comes over the receiver just fine.

“Is Scout on your payroll or is Scofflaw just fucking him?”

===> [PI] Prevariacate.

You name is PERNICIOUS INNOCATOR and that’s not a question you really want to answer. That would require calling Scofflaw, because you don’t actually know if he’s paying Scout. Also, you’re a bit irritated because your darling Detective is being so rude as to not greet you.

...on the other hand, it being Detective goes a long way to sooth these irritations.

“D-D-Detective,” you stammer. “H-h-h-hello. H-how are y-y-you?”

===> [DD] WHERE ARE YOUR MANNERS? APOLOGIZE TO POOR INNY.

Wow, you are such an asshole. Then again, you are Dead-Eye Detective. You’re not a people person by any stretch of the imagination. Nevertheless, you feel the shame of a thousand decomposing corpses for neglecting to greet your lover properly.

“My apologies for such an abrupt question,” you say formally, curbing your impatience. “I’m doing well, thank you. Yourself?”

===> [PI] Politely request that DD leaves SS to choke on his own vomit and come have sex with you.

Oh, no, you couldn’t do _that!_

…. but you still ask, very politely.

“I’m excellent,” you say. “But I w-w-would not m-mind some company. Perhaps you would?...”

“And let Scout choke on his own vomit? Tempting, but I’ll pass.”

“Oh I see.” Severe disappointment. Poor, lonely Innovator.

===> [SS] Choke on your own vomit.

You would do that, but the moment you felt yourself starting to go through the motions of emptying your stomach, you leaned off the end of the couch and aimed for the frying pan. You missed.

You did, however, avoid choking. This potentially saves you from a later fight with Detective for abandoning you in your hour of need to go have sex with Innovator, though, a happy ending for something you never dreamed might happen because it didn’t.

===> [DD] Pressure PI for information.

You continue your conversation uninterrupted by Scout’s retching in the other room. “Which isn’t to say I wouldn’t mind coming later,” you say carefully. “Just not at this moment. However, I can’t really do that until I’ve got Scout settled.”

Innovator faintly agrees with you. You can feel his disappointment like Spike can feel the couch she is drunkenly slumped on.

“Which brings me to my earlier question,” you go on, chattily. “So I have to ask you again. Is Scout on your payroll, or is Scofflaw just fucking with him, literally and/or metaphorically?”

“How ab-b-b-bout I get b-back to you ab-b-b-bout that?”

===> [PI] Suggest hangover preventatives to DD. Which is to say, suggest that DD shake SS until he can't puke anymore, and then cackle maniacally into the phone.

You do that, say goodbye, and call your leader, Peccant Scofflaw.

===> [PI] Trick Scofflaw into admitting whether or not he is paying or fucking Scout.

“Inny!” Scofflaw greets you cheerily, even at this ungodly hour. “How are you? Things doing well your end of the city?”

You exchange pleasantries uneasily. Scofflaw’s a jerk most of the time, but he’s at least going through all the polite niceties of starting a telephone conversation, so he seems to be in a good mood.

“I just uh, had a question, uh... are we er, paying Sc-Sc-Scout or what?”

“What?”

===> [PS] Drunkenly accuse PI of wanting a turn with SS.

Your name is PECCANT SCOFFLAW and you are currently listening in astonishment as your right-hand-man is asking you if you’re paying your bootycall boytoy for some reason.

Being that he’s your bootycall boytoy, you immediately assume PI is asking if you’re paying him for Scout’s time.

“Are you suggesting he’s a whore? Inny. Baby. That’s rude, even for you.”

“N-n-n-no! I-I-I w-was just--”

“ARE YOU TRYING TO GET INTO HIS PANTS, INNY?”

“What?!”

“Because,” you say with a terrible chill to your voice that freezes the glass of alcohol in your hand, “those pants belong to _me._ ”

===> [PI] Return DD’s call.

“H-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h--”

“Innovator?”

It’s too late. Scofflaw broke you. You hang up, unable to cope with the shame of stuttering over one word for a full minute.

===> [PI] Flip the fuck out!

You hide under your kitchen table after converting it into a fort with your bedsheets. You curl up under a pile of pillows and shiver uncontrollably.

It’s going to be a long week.

===> [PI] Ask DD for help.

You can’t talk, remember?

===> [DD] Feel like something is wrong.

Using your incredible powers of deduction, you realize that the only thing that could have rattled Innovator so badly as to have him stammering on the first syllable of the first word of his call back to you was a full-on rage rant from Scofflaw. You begin to wonder if maybe you put Innovator in danger by asking him about Scofflaw’s motives.

It is just then that the door gets kicked in as Scofflaw screams “HEEEEEEEEEEEEEERE’S SCOFFIE!!!!!!!” and bounds in.

===> [PS] Look for Scout to tell you where Detective is so that you can show Innovator not to mess with your pants.

There’s no need to do that! As soon as you kick your way in, you find yourself looking right at the bastard, holding Scout’s phone in the kitchen. Heheheheh.

You bound forward and headbutt the gaping Detective. A right uppercut renders him unable to fight back for approximately thirty seconds, which you use to swiftly steal the Detective’s surprisingly dirty slacks.

With a cackle, you abscond, leaving Scout senseless on the couch and Detective gasping on the floor.

===> [SS] Come back to your senses and be offended by the pantsless Detective.

“Detective,” you slur. “For the las’ time, _we’re just friends_.”

You knew he shouldn’t have taken you into your apartment.

===> [DD] …

What the fuck is your life.

You resign yourself to staying over at Scout’s place until tomorrow morning. You open the sheets Scofflaw sent Scout and remake the bed with them, since Scout is content to whine from the couch.

Seriously, what choices did you make to end up here: pantsless on the floor of Scout's shithole apartment, with a vomit-stained jacket, a headache, and Scout yelling at you about how you're friends and how it would be really weird for you to have sex?

And _godfuckingdamnit_ why is he talking about puppies again.

If you knew what it did, you would smile happily and erase the existence of all puppies on earth just to spite him.

**Epilogue**

Elsewhere, in the city...

===> [PI] Be the Pokemon Master!

A wild PECCANT SCOFFLAW APPEARS!

He uses PANTS POSSESSION!

IT’S SUPER EFFECTIVE!

===> [PS] Neatly lay DD’s pants out on the table that PI is under.

You arrange the pants in a pristine display on top of Innovator’s blanket-table-pillow-fort, humming cheerily all the while. Soft whimpers emerge from the soft inner pillows of the fort.

That complete, you flip the fucking table.

Innovator weeps in terror.

~FIN~

**Author's Note:**

> More from the googledoc livestream.


End file.
